Friday, April 4, 2014
I feel compelled to write a review on Saints and Soldiers: Airborne Creed. According to Netflix, I had seen the previous Saints and Soldiers movie and given it 5 stars. I have zero recollection of this. Netflix’s “best guess” for how I’d rate SSAC was 4 stars. How wrong you were, Netflix. How wrong you were. It starts out with the standard D-Day invasion imagery. Guys in C-47s; some praying, some looking at pictures of loved ones, and others just sitting there immersed in their own thoughts. When I was flying into Baghdad for the first time, I was immersed-in-own-thoughts-guy, so I connected with them. And that’s about where connections ended for me. (I am literally having to look up the character’s names as I go because they were so forgettable, I’m drawing a blank less than 24 hours later). So… *looks up name* Curtis parachutes into France and is lost. If you’ve seen Band of Brothers, or know anything about WWII history, you know that the airborne assault of occupied France was a total cluster-fuck. I had to keep reminding myself of that, though, because Curtis… Rossi… and… Jones (congratz, movie, you made the name ‘Jones’ utterly forgettable) don’t seem to be all that concerned about being lost behind enemy lines. Curtis is captured by Germans and is about to be executed, apparently, but then Rossi shows up and throws grenades into the crowd, INCHES FROM CURTIS, and manages to kill all the Germans and miss Curtis completely. PHEW! They exchange pleasantries and then find where they are on a map. 12 miles from the drop zone. The two walk a short distance and find a cabin or barn or something and sit down. At some point between meeting each other and the cabin, they meet SGT Jones. I honestly don’t recall when. There was a point when there were two actors pissing me off and then a third showed up. Anyways, they look at the map again and determine that they are 11 miles from the drop zone. So these elite infantrymen needed an EXTENDED breather after just one mile of walking. Honestly, at this point I still thought this would be an OK movie, but then the unthinkable happened. Curtis started reciting the airborne creed. I looked at him like he was insane and so did Rossi and Jones, so I thought, “Ok, so Curtis is bat-shit crazy and these other two have to survive the Germans AND their crazy—“ but then Rossi and Jones joined in! So all three are sitting there reciting the airborne creed while I’m looking at the TV in horror. Why is that so terrible you ask? Well, civilian, I’ll tell you: No normal person in combat gives a shit about that “hooah” bullshit anymore. All that marching in time and singing songs and all that is total crap. You’re just trying to get home in one piece. For instance, during an IED attack, if I had dismounted and, while pulling security around a damaged vehicle, started singing, “First to fight for the right, and to build the Nation’s might, and the Army goes rolling aloooooong! Proud of all we have done, fighting till the battle’s won, and the Army goes rolling aloooooong!” someone would have slapped me and ordered me to get counseling because clearly I’m unstable. Then they all walk THROUGH A FIELD that is SURROUNDED BY TREELINE while LOUDLY DISCUSSING GERMAN CULTURE and show no fear of being shot. Next, the three stop for water and while Rossi is filling his canteen (one canteen of water for every mile walk? This guy is gonna wet the bed) Curtis walks up to him and asks him what he thinks about when he jumps out of a plane. Rossi says he doesn’t think about anything. Curtis creepily says he thinks about his girlfriend, and then stands and walks away. So, like this: Me: *fills glass of water* Weird-ass friend: What do you think about when you go to work in the morning? Me: Uh, nothing, really. Weird-ass friend: I think about my wife. *walks away* Curtis is insane. I think he’s that guy who thinks war is a game (reciting creeds in the midst of battle) and has to constantly tell people that he has a girlfriend. Curtis: What are you doing this weekend? You: Nothing. Why, did you wanna do something? Curtis: No, I have plans with my girlfriend. You can’t come with me and my girlfriend. *walks away* You: … Curtis: *yells back* GIRLFRIEND!